I am getting married soon. I have a twin sister who is not a bridesmaid. She is about 80 percent covered, from the neck down, in tattoos and piercings. They are bright, big and mostly not church appropriate. I love her very much, and it was a hard decision to not have her as a bridesmaid. But my makeup artist said it would be impossible to cover her, and she would have needed a long-sleeve turtleneck of a bridesmaid dress. As selfish as it is, one of the main considerations was the attention it would draw. I knew if she were standing next to me, the guests would be looking at her. It is my day; the attention should be on me.
I still want to honor her, though. Should she be seated following the parents and grandparents and before the processional? Or is that an honor reserved only for the elders? I have another sister who will be a bridesmaid and two brothers who are escorting my grandmother and mother down the aisle. Therefore, my twin would be the only immediate family member who did not walk the aisle.
Genevieve
Your sister’s tattoos should not be an issue. As a visitor in a house of worship or a participant in any ceremony there, it is a matter of respect on her part to cover any tattoo that could cause offense. If she cannot or is unwilling to do that, then I agree, it’s better that she not be a bridesmaid.
I don’t buy the idea that her presence as a bridesmaid would take all the attention away from you. Chances are that most of your relatives and friends are aware of her tattoos and piercings — old news that certainly won’t cause more than a moment’s speculation, if that.
I hope your decision has not created tension between you and your twin. Your current relationship is difficult to ascertain based on your question and the background you have presented. At the very least, I hope that the two of you have discussed this, particularly as you are including all your other siblings in the wedding party. Assuming she is on board with your plan, it is both kind and respectful to honor her in another way.
One way to do this is to seat her front and center with your parents. The front row on the bride’s side (usually the left, facing the altar or dais) is reserved for the bride’s parents and siblings. The following row (or rows) is reserved for grandparents, aunts and uncles. After the grandparents have been escorted to their seats, one of your brothers could escort your sister to the front row. Next, the groom’s parents are escorted to their seats. Finally, your mother is escorted to her seat in the front row and the processional begins.
You could also ask your twin to read a poem or passage from the Bible during your ceremony. Many brides and grooms include siblings or close friends as readers, instead of as attendants. You and she might like this idea, but her tattoos may again be an issue if she is unwilling to cover them. At the reception, you could seat her at the same table as the wedding party.
What is important is that your love for your sister shines through, despite what you think of her piercings and tattoos.
When Gift Checks Go Astray
My husband and I were married nine months ago. A friend just found a pile of cards (with checks) that had been given to him to pass along to us when we were less distracted by festivities. I have no idea how to apologize to and thank the gift givers without it coming off as a request to reissue their now expired checks. I would never want them to feel as if we expect anything from them, especially considering that finances could have easily changed in nine months and what they may have given then may not be what they would give now. I just want to thank them and apologize.
Shira
You have already figured out most of the answer. The key is to thank each of these people via a handwritten note, and as soon as possible. Just explain the bizarre mishap in which your friend who was the designated keeper of the envelopes (theirs included) forgot to give them to you until just now. Be sincere and gracious in your thanks for their intended generosity. A “pile” of envelopes could mean many checks (and a nice newlywed nest egg), but as you have said, you cannot ask these people to rewrite the checks.
From a practical standpoint, these gift givers have likely noticed that their checks were not deposited or cashed. Most banks have a cutoff period for honoring uncashed checks, generally between 90 and 180 days from the date on the check. Every bank has its own policy. At nine months, you are probably beyond the grace period.
After receiving your note, some givers very well might say: “Oh, I realize the original check has expired. Here’s a replacement as my gift to you.” In such a case, follow up promptly with another thank-you note. Others will let the matter drop. In the latter case, I suggest that you let the matter drop as well.
And your friend? Please forgive him, as he must feel terrible about this.
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